I am really happy. Things are going as planned and thats extremely scary to me. The only exceptions to things going well are my grades. They aren’t bad but I am capable of doing so much better. I stress out alot about it and my parents always try to reassure me that I am fine. They don’t think I should try so hard in school when really I have college to worry about. However, thats not really anything to be worried about. I have it pretty much figured out. It all comes down to me making my final decision and preparing to go to my school. So due to that whole mess being nothing to worry about I have been more focused on my relationships with family and friends. This doesn’t mean I am working on my relationships to improve. I simply have more time for more relationships. Unfortunately in less than a year I will leave and it might hurt worse than it would if I focused more on my studies. It is really quite hard to keep it all balanced and I think thats something we can all work on. To me it is impossible to have it all but sometimes we get dangerously close. My definition of having it all, however, could be much different than everyone else’s. But in my definition I am dangerously close. I hope people around here appreciate their lives because really a vast majority of us have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed to have the life I have and the people in it. A few bad grades wont be what I remember when I think back to high school. I will remember all the fun crazy things I did during high school. A quote I have written on my wall says, “If you don’t do wild things while you are young you wont have anything to smile about when your old.” I love that quote because it reassures me I am doing something right. I know I have plenty of wild memories and I have plenty of time to make more. I worry sometimes that I might forget the crazy things I have done so I try to keep a diary but I don’t always write. I wish I could get myself to write everyday so I can remember everyday because like I said I am really happy and I want to remember this.
Thinking out loud… That is the title to an Ed Sheeran song if you havent heard it on the radio a thousand times yet (not my fav). I guess, Ed Sheeran, however, is my favorite singer. I dont say that because I fan girl or I know alot about him, I just like his music. I find it relaxing and I dont get tired of it. The funny thing is I rarely listen to it. I only listen to it when Im going on vacation. Ed Sheeran is the only thing I have in my music that I can listen to without wifi or service. Maybe only listening to it when I am on vacation is the reason I get happy listening to his music. On a normal day however I am probably listening to rap. Its strange how people have different tastes in music. I guess its strange in general that we all have any sort of different tastes. I start to think about things like this and try to relate it back to something I learned in AP biology but that just reminds me how much I hated that class. First semester in that class was hell thanks to Mrs. Delpizzo. Second semester I refused to have her again so I made it impossible to get her as a teacher and I got Dr. Farrar. Dr. Farrar is an amazing teacher who cares so much about her students. First semester I got a Low B and second semester I got a high A. I think that explains itself. How Mrs. Delpizzo still works at this school I dont know. I talked to my counselor about her but I was shot down because you cant pick and choose your teachers. I think you should be able to though. However I do see the obvious problems with that. Certain teachers might not get picked or some students might chose the easier teacher. I know it could never be done but I wish. Maybe we could get the option of having a teacher again. I think the familiarity of the teacher gives some students an advantage. In every class there is that learning period where you get to know your teacher and there limits or ticks. I don’t mean this in a taking advantage way but for example, maybe the teacher tells you whats on the test or the teacher doesn’t. Eventually you find these things out. Unfortunately it is usually after you don’t do so hot on the first test that you notice these patterns. I dont know what I am getting at so I guess Im done rambling now…
I find deciding how your day will go to be a conscious effort. Some might disagree saying that a day full of misfortune is labeled as a bad day. I don’t agree. Yesterday I chose not to think positively. I let everything get to me and it did. School, grades, college, friends, boys, work, and everything else just got to me. Sometimes, doing that helps you get everything out allowing you to go back to thinking on the bright side and keeping your chin up. But, I hate when people can sense your sadness. Yes it is good that they care but sometimes I just want to wallow in my own self pity. I don’t want to explain my stupid reasons for getting down on myself. No one is as hard on me as myself. Going back to yesterday something happened that made me give up for the day. I woke up and quickly pulled out my notes to study before my test I had to take upon entering school. I took one look at a problem and I realized that I didn’t know anything. I knew it all the day before I swore I did, but right then it vanished. It was all at the tip of my tongue… or my brain… and I couldn’t grasp it. I was so disappointed in myself. How did I let it get to this point. This question was the easiest on the review and I couldn’t answer it. My thoughts immediately went to… if i fail this I will fail the class and I wont get into college. I started thinking maybe I am not cut out for college. If I cant do AP Stats, a “college class”, how will I do college. Anyways, I took the test and it was pretty bad but I am still here and its over. Ill try harder next time. Thats a lie. I know Ill probably lose it again, but I know everyday is another step toward college. Sometimes you just cant think you just have to stop yourself from thinking and take life as it comes with a positive attitude. Thats what I am doing not starting tomorrow starting now. I am choosing to have a good weekend therefore I know I will.
One Monday afternoon Gracie had a math quiz she had not studied for. Mrs. Roberts handed out the quiz over addition and said, “The quiz is quite simple, complete all the problems and be sure not to cheat. Good luck class!”
Samuel sat next to Gracie in the classroom. Gracie decided to look at Samuel’s paper for help since they where friends and Gracie knew Samuel had studied. We are great at being partners! Gracie thought to herself. Next quiz Ill be sure to help Samuel. Before Gracie could complete the quiz, Mrs. Roberts raced over to her.
“Gracie, I told you no cheating,” Mrs. Roberts said.
“Mrs. Roberts, what do you mean? How am I cheating?” Gracie asked with a puzzled look on her face.
“I saw you look at Samuel’s paper.”
“Ya, I was. Me and Samuel are partners. I would never cheat on him.”
Mrs. Roberts tone grew softer as she said, “Gracie I didn’t tell you this was a partner quiz. I wanted to test your individual knowledge.”
Gracie didnt understand why Mrs. Roberts thought she was cheating and sat at her desk stunned. Mrs. Roberts called Gracie’s mom and explained the situation. When Gracie got home her mom asked her, “Why were you cheating on Samuel? Mrs. Roberts says she caught you cheating.”
” Mom I didn’t cheat on Samuel. I chose him as my partner and I didn’t cheat on him with anybody.”
Gracies mom had figured it out, “Sweetie cheating in class is when you get an unfair advantage on something. For example, when you look at another students paper for the answers which you did to Samuel.”
“Oh ok, thats not how my dad explained it,” Gracie told her mom finally realizing what Mrs. Roberts meant.
Everytime I start to blog everything gets too personal. I like to write to remember feelings and events but I cant do that when I have an audience. I wish I could post all of my drafts. Trust me, that would make this class so much easier, but I just cant. I dont want everyone to have access to all of my personal thoughts and opinions. Really I dont want people to know I have these personal thoughts and opinions. If I want to tell someone these things I will, but I dont think they should be accessible to everyone. I want to post surface level things to protect my personal thoughts. I cant do that either. The subjects are hard to find and I worry nobody cares. I posted a few surface level things and I got deep a couple of times but I havent liked that really. I love to write, but what I like to write about I dont want posted on my highschool creative writing class blog. I hate that when I dont post I simply look like I dont care. I care and sometimes I think I care too much. I constantly get angry with myself for not posting. It really shouldnt be that hard. I dont post anything because I think it isnt good enough, Ill step on someones toes, or its getting too personal. I bet if I did post my drafts you would agree and you would understand. Im too honest and I dont mind that unless I have to post it for all the world to see at all times. “The internet is forever,” my mom always reminds me. I dont want my 17 year old selfs opinions out in the world forever, even if maybe I am the only one reading them. The journal was great. I was forced to write and I could write whatever I wanted. I am keeping that journal forever it has so many memories and opinions that I know I will laugh at years from now. At this point, I dont even like this post. I sound like Im complaining but I am just trying to explain myself. There I go again worrying someone might think I am being dramatic. I overthink everything. This is just another excuse. I hate excuses we should all just be honest and honestly all that I have left to say is that I really should blog more.
A phase is a distinct period or stage in a process of change of somethings development. In every part of my life I have experienced phases. However, the biggest and most memorable phases in my life where the changes in my room. I have grown up in the same room my whole life but the theme has been changed two distinct times since its original style.
Phase 1: Childhood
When my family moved into our current house, before I was born, my sister, Elly, moved into the “big girl” room upstairs. Once I was also a “big girl”, we shared the queen size bed in this room. The room was theoretically split right down the middle, according to Elly and I. My side of the room was always buried in a cluttered mess of toys. Her side was typically spotless. Everything remained in its place. The two sides of the room were complete opposites when it came to cleanliness. The walls were white with pastel colors splattered randomly across them. Despite the theme being plain and girly for the most part, I decorated my side however I wanted. Pictures covered my walls and stuffed animals stacked up high in the corner. Nothing on my side of the room really matched. As long as my stuff stayed on my side, Elly didn’t really have a problem with it. Often she would get angry with me for being so messy, but if it was on my side she couldn’t do anything. Slowly however, we both began to hate the paint splattered walls and sharing a bed.
Phase 2: Neon
After weeks of begging, Elly and I got separate rooms. One of us would get the guest room to the left of our room. My sister said she didn’t care which one she got. I was sure I wanted our room because the guest room scared me. When Elly agreed to take the guest room, I thought I got the better deal. I was wrong. The guest room was renovated and turned out so much bigger and better than our old room. Without hesitation I informed my parents that I wanted to paint the walls in my room neon orange. My parents tried to talk me out of the color, but I insisted it was my favorite. They showed me every muted orange paint swatch in Lowes and I wasn’t convinced. We ended up compromising with a more creamy-orange color. All of my colorful neon toys matched the walls perfectly. I bought hot pink sheets and a bright orange comforter as well. Even everything I wore was neon. When the room seemed neon enough already, I painted my desk bright green. I refer to this stage in my life as my “neon phase.” Many of my friends do also. As all phases go however, I got bored. I wanted the bright orange walls to be covered with a more calm paint color.
Phase 3: Sophisticated
My Parents were right, I didn’t keep the orange walls for very long. They were just as excited as me to see them go. I decided I would paint my room a light cream color. My room transformed to be much more grown up and sophisticated. I wanted to completely erase my neon phase. I wanted to show I was an adult. I am glad I made this change. The orange walls always gave me a headache. Now, the walls go with everything. I got a white dresser and sold my old dark wood one. My bright green desk was moved into the closet so it wouldn’t be seen. The closet turned into a makeup room because of my fascination with makeup at the time. Most of my random miscellaneous things are in the desk and out of the way.The closet is my favorite part of my room. When I want the green desk to be hidden, I simply shut the closet door. All of the clothes I once had In this closet where relocated to the hall closet. I basically now have two closets. My room is a complete opposite of what it has been in the past. Almost everything matches the theme and remains in its place. When I have people over they often compliment my room. A few years ago, I participated in a study for the clothing brand Puma. I made one hundred dollars for talking about my style and the style of other girls my age. After a long interview they looked at my clothes in my closet for their study. Soon enough the photographer got distracted and was taking pictures of other things in my room. They were fascinated by my my desk in the closet and the DIY aspects of my room. I was very proud of it and I still am. How I feel about my room now is the same as how I felt about it during my neon phase so maybe this is just a phase too.
Last week I “had it all figured out.” That line is hugged by quotations because even I doubt it. This week is a different week. This week I find myself remembering childhood things and listening to old Beyonce. Every other song has too much meaning. New songs have new meanings that remind me of things I don’t want to think about. I don’t want to think about it this week. Yesterday I went home and stared at my phone. Every now and then I would look away from it wondering why it bothered me so much. Maybe I had too much free time. I cleaned my room and told myself I couldn’t look until 9 o’clock. Around 8 I was “hungry.” Once again quotations because even I doubt it. Eating is something we have to do right? If I eat I don’t have to be doing other things. Eating and sleeping are the two breaks that every person gets to take. So I took a nap. I awoke to my dad clapping. Clapping is an everyday thing in my household when it comes to my dad. He must have had a good day I assumed. He did. He was proud of me. He called my uncle to talk to him about my plans and basically tell him how proud he is. Things are going great and everything is good so why cant I stop thinking about the little things. Do other people worry this much about little things? Everything is good, sometimes I just want to vent. My friends are great and they always listen but I want an honest unbiased opinion. When I think about things sometimes I wish someone could read my mind and comment on my thoughts. Maybe they would tell me what I know which is that I worry way to much. I worry way more than anyone else about my life and my future. My parents aren’t worried they say they see a bright future for me. I see blank spaces. The pieces of my future that are missing. I can’t tell you where I will be in a year because I don’t know. Someone asks me where I plan on going to college and I say Alabama. When I say it out loud, when I say I want to go to Alabama I get chills. I can do it. Was it all just a dream though. Was I blinded by the thought of going there that I couldn’t see the other options. It is crazy how closely that parallels everything in my life. I get what I want and then I wonder if I overlooked something.
Lucy Eason, when not pushing off work until the last possible second, enjoys wasting money and overfilling her closet with useless items. She buys everything from expensive clothes she will probably never wear to fancy pens that motivate her to finally get organized. Despite her procrastination, Lucy always gets her work done and maintains good grades. A year has not gone by without Lucy’s name in the art show. However, she feels more pride and accomplishment when her work ends up on the walls of her own art teacher’s basement. She hopes that her creativity not only shines through in her art, but also in her writing.
I think I have always been pretty open with myself. When I was around 7 years old I remember my friend calling me spoiled. I looked at her and replied, “ya I am.” She was trying to insult me I guess but I never took it that way. I knew I was spoiled I admited that to myself and I still do. I seemed to own every webkins and every polly pocket. Me and my sister that is… I am not the stereotypical spoiled only child I have a sister. We got everything we needed and more. To some maybe I wasnt spoiled but to me in my life I am. I make good grades thats what my parent always say. They say they are proud and want to reward me. I dont object obviously. I do sometimes think that as parents they should make me start budgeting. The thing is I am not bad at budgeting. My parents give me money and I am fairly responsible with it. Maybe since all my life I had money and could get what I want now it isnt worth as much to me. Disclaimer: I dont get everything I want there are obviously limitations… Now I work and I make money on top of this. My parents pay for my gas. Sometimes I pay for my gas because I just dont mind. If they made me pay for my gas I wouldnt object but obviously I wont ask for that. What got me really thinking about all this is that I went to the bank today to deposit some checks only to find my dad put 200 dollars in my account. I was stunned. I dont need it. I came home to thank him and he said that I havent been asking for money lately and they feel bad. I am so thankful for them they say I deserve it and that I work hard but I just dont need it. I hate talking about this because I feel like all Im doing is braging but really Im just trying to boast about how great my parents are and how blessed I am. I dont thank them enough I know that but I hope they know that I am thankful.